In the House of Friends by Kenneth J. Garrett

Author:Kenneth J. Garrett [Garrett, Kenneth J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781725266049
Publisher: Wipf and Stock Publishers
Published: 2021-11-30T21:43:40+00:00

Trauma: Leaving Is Painful and Costly

Abusive churches use fear, obstacles and punishments to prevent members from leaving. When I envisioned a life away from the abusive church, I realized that I had been living in a trap. And as I (very privately) considered leaving, I began to feel the pressure, obstacles, and threats that were designed by our church leaders to force me to stay.

It’s only when we want to leave the theater that we look for the exit doors. And when we notice with alarm that the doors have been locked on the inside, we realize the person with the keys to the theater does not want us to leave the show. Likewise, when members think of leaving the church, its trap-like nature becomes soberingly evident.

An effective trap has three necessary aspects: It must present some sort of bait to attract its prey, it must be relatively easy to enter to get the bait, and it must be either impossible (or excruciatingly painful) to escape from. Likewise, abusive churches offer the bait of supposed unconditional love in the context of a Christian community, they are easy to enter into—often through the invitation of a trusted friend or family member, and they are often very painful and troublesome to leave.

The trauma of leaving an abusive church begins before members actually walk out the door, and usually continues long after they have been free of the church. Active members are besieged with threats of the doom, the loss, and the divine disfavor that awaits those who dare to leave the church. And they truly will experience trauma when they finally do leave. It is often while they are still in the church that members come to understand very clearly how difficult leaving might be. They may hear warnings about the foolishness of leaving, the likelihood of divine displeasure dogging them for the rest of their days, the certainty of personal catastrophe, and the loss of their friends.32 They may be told that their marriage won’t survive, or that their children might get sick or may well end up as juvenile delinquents.33 (For a while in my abusive church, I believed my daughters would suffer greatly should I leave the church, and for a period of time I was unsure if my wife would even leave with me.) These types of threats and fears often lead members to remain in the church long after they have decided they want to leave it.

Abusive pastors often mock and deride members who have left the church. Any departure from the church to pursue secular career or academic goals is often demeaned and criticized. Members are treated as if such goals are unworthy of followers of Jesus Christ, and that all faithful Christians should be prioritizing the pursuit of either professional ministry or simply lives and careers that afford the most hours of the week to be spent proselytizing for the church, and supporting its ministries.

Warnings are couched in mean-spirited criticism of those who already have left the church:

“Heidi left Jesus to overfocus on her family instead of following Jesus.

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